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Moderator/Admin Dude!
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Please pass the eye bleach......
 

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Thanks Bud, I can see again.
 

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Two men were golfing on a nice Wednesday afternoon. The weather was great, they were both doing well, and they were laughing and joking at each hole. When they were on the fairway that went along beside the road, they both noticed a funeral procession going by. One golfer takes off his cap and quietly watches, as the procession goes by and over the hill. The second golfer watching this whole thing asks, "you have never stopped to honor a funeral procession before, why now". The first golfer replies, "well after 23yrs of marriage don't you think she deserves it?"
 

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Discussion Starter #47
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.

So I went to a shrink and told him, "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it I'm scared and I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said the shrink. "Come in and talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears".

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit", replied the doctor.

"I'll sleep on it", I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.

"Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year is $12,480.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck."

"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude, he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now."

FORGET THE SHRINKS.

HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!

ITS ALWAYS BETTER TO GET A SECOND OPINION!
 

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A priest dies and is waiting at the Pearly Gates of heaven. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?'

The guy replies, 'I'm Tim, retired American Airline pilot from Chicago.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' So Captain Tim goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands to his full height and booms out, 'I am Father David, pastor of Saint Mary's church for the last 51 years.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.

'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?

'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter.
'When you preached - people slept. When the pilot flew, people prayed...'
 

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Approach: FedEx 475 Heavy, report your airspeed for spacing.

FedEx 475: Approach, we're really hauling ass.

Approach: FedEx 475 Heavy, I couldn't care less about your cargo, I need to know your airspeed.
 

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Moderator/Admin Dude!
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Approach: FedEx 475 Heavy, report your airspeed for spacing.

FedEx 475: Approach, we're really hauling ass.

Approach: FedEx 475 Heavy, I couldn't care less about your cargo, I need to know your airspeed.
That's funny SnakeStrike!:rofl:

(It would not be funny to have a main cargo door open in flight though!)
 

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That's funny SnakeStrike!:rofl:

(It would not be funny to have a main cargo door open in flight though!)
I'm not a pilot, BUT, if the doors were open, wouldn't it be MORE probable that you would be DRAGGING Ass???

Sorry, I just couldn't resist!

:grinbiginvert:
 

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Airplane maintenance
Often pilots will generally leave messages for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some from one VERY picky Fed Ex pilot and the replies from the maintenance crews.

(P) = Pilot & GT500 owner
(M) = Maintenance


(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(M) Almost replaced left inside main tire

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(M) Autoland not installed on this aircraft

(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(M) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

(P) Something loose in cockpit
(M) Something tightened in cockpit

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(M) Evidence removed

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(M) Volume set to more believable level

(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(M) Live bugs on order

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(M) Cannot reproduce problem on ground

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(M) That's what they're there for

(P) Number three engine missing
(M) Engine found on right wing after brief search

(P) Aircraft handles funny
(M) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious

(P) Radar hums
(M) Reprogrammed Radar with the lyrics
 

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Goose decided to become a pilot when he saw the movie "Airplane" and this scene;


Captain Oveur: "Ya ever been in a cockpit before?
Joey: "No sir, I've never been up in a plane before!
Captain Oveur: "Ya ever seen a grown man naked?

— from the 1980 movie 'Airplane.'
 

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Good pilot humor cause!
 

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Discussion Starter #55
Two Coffees

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, Barrack Obama meets a man with a beard. 'Are you Mohammed?' he asks. 'No my son, I am St. Peter; Mohammed is higher up.' Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds .

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than St. Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room where he meets another bearded man. He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?' 'Why no he answers, I am Moses; Mohammed is higher still .'

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet again, he discovers a larger room where he meets an angelic looking man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?' 'No, I am Jesus, the Christ...you will find Mohammed higher up. '

Mohammed higher than Jesus! Man, oh man! Obama can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs ever higher. Once again, he reaches an even larger room where he meets this truly magnificent looking man with a silver white beard and once again repeats his question:

"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing. 'No, my son.... I am Almighty God, the Alpha and the Omega, but you look exhausted. Would you like a cup of coffee?"

Obama says, “Yes please”! As God looks behind him, he claps his hands and yells out: "Hey Mohammed-two coffees!""

Keep your trust in God...your president is an idiot………
 

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Discussion Starter #56
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." TWA 2341: "We are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was bored, not stupid!"

Tower: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound." United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this: I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following -Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, Roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
 

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A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rdgrade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last six questions wrong... "
 

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Subject: BUILDING PERMIT

My Building Permit
Some friends have asked what I've been doing in retirement.
Well, I applied for a building permit for a new house. It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide, with 12 gun turrets at various heights, and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system. It would have parking for 200 cars, and I was going to paint it green with pink trim.

The City Council told me; “Forget it...AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!”

So, I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a "Mosque."

Work starts on Monday and here is the best part: It's going to be tax exempt!

I love this country. It’s the government that scares me.
 

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You think you have lived to be 80 plus and know who you are.
Then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,
Are you a real pilot?
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked:
"Are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
 

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That's friggin funny...did not see that coming.
 
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