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Thank Goodness for the church ladies with typewriters or computers. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:

-The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
-Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
-The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
-Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
-Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
-Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
-For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
-Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
-Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
-A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
-At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
-Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
-Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
-The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
-Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
-The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
-This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
-The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
-Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
-The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
-Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
-And this one just about sums them all up:
-The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'
 

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Had a good laugh ! Thanks.
 

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Moderator/Admin Dude!
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One more

What's the advantage of Mrs. Goose being married to a moderator?
She can now park in a handicapped zone.

Sorry Goose, I had to.


Funny!:rofl:
 

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Husband and wife were having an argument over a household decision that had to be made. The husband wanted it one way and the wife the other. After a period of arguing the husband said "OK, wait!!" He proceeded to take off his jeans and then handed them to his wife and said "Here put these on!" The wife took the pants and put them on only for them to fall off, she pulled them up again and they fell off. He said "See when you can wear those britches, THEN you can make the decisions in this house." The wife stood the for a second then proceeded to take off her jeans and hand them to her husband and said "Here , you put these on!" The husband put them on but no matter how hard he tried he couldn't get them above his knees. The wife said "See, that's the closest your coming to getting in those britches until you change your attitude!!!"
 

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Stolen from the 13-15 GT500 FB Page which was stolen from SVTP:

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not exactly sure. Maybe a little over 5 feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Um, don’t really know. Not skinny, not fat, average I guess?

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: I think light brown, maybe hazel?

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe light brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been shorts or maybe capri. I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my Mustang.

Sergeant: What kind of Mustang was it?

Husband: A grey w/ white stripes 2013 Shelby GT500, tuned to 720 rear wheel horsepower and 700 lb.-ft. of torque, 6-speed manual transmission with 4.10:1 rear axle ratio and a short-throw shifter. JLT CF Intake w/ VMP 67mm throttle body, 2.4" pulley and upgraded Gate's blue belt. BMR LCA/UCA rear suspension package, lowered on Eibach prokit springs, Kooks headers and exhaust, Brembo brakes with 6 piston fronts and 4 piston rear calipers, and 20" Forgestar F14 wheels in dark graphite color wrapped in Nitto NT05R drag radials in the rear and MPSS tires in the front.

Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your Shelby!!!
 

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Stolen from the 13-15 GT500 FB Page which was stolen from SVTP:

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not exactly sure. Maybe a little over 5 feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Um, don’t really know. Not skinny, not fat, average I guess?

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: I think light brown, maybe hazel?

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe light brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been shorts or maybe capri. I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my Mustang.

Sergeant: What kind of Mustang was it?

Husband: A grey w/ white stripes 2013 Shelby GT500, tuned to 720 rear wheel horsepower and 700 lb.-ft. of torque, 6-speed manual transmission with 4.10:1 rear axle ratio and a short-throw shifter. JLT CF Intake w/ VMP 67mm throttle body, 2.4" pulley and upgraded Gate's blue belt. BMR LCA/UCA rear suspension package, lowered on Eibach prokit springs, Kooks headers and exhaust, Brembo brakes with 6 piston fronts and 4 piston rear calipers, and 20" Forgestar F14 wheels in dark graphite color wrapped in Nitto NT05R drag radials in the rear and MPSS tires in the front.

Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your Shelby!!!
And that is the truth. Lol
 

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Almost became a doctor

When I was young I decided to go to Medical School. At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered SPINE are doctors today while the rest of us are posting jokes on the internet.
 

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Stolen from the 13-15 GT500 FB Page which was stolen from SVTP:

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not exactly sure. Maybe a little over 5 feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Um, don’t really know. Not skinny, not fat, average I guess?

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: I think light brown, maybe hazel?

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe light brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been shorts or maybe capri. I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my Mustang.

Sergeant: What kind of Mustang was it?

Husband: A grey w/ white stripes 2013 Shelby GT500, tuned to 720 rear wheel horsepower and 700 lb.-ft. of torque, 6-speed manual transmission with 4.10:1 rear axle ratio and a short-throw shifter. JLT CF Intake w/ VMP 67mm throttle body, 2.4" pulley and upgraded Gate's blue belt. BMR LCA/UCA rear suspension package, lowered on Eibach prokit springs, Kooks headers and exhaust, Brembo brakes with 6 piston fronts and 4 piston rear calipers, and 20" Forgestar F14 wheels in dark graphite color wrapped in Nitto NT05R drag radials in the rear and MPSS tires in the front.

Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your Shelby!!!
I knew I would find it in this thread today! I'm the one who stole it from SVTP and posted it to FB (with a few minor changes).

Lol, its a good one.
 

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Discussion Starter #30
2 good ole boys are out hunting in a field, when they happened upon what looked like a really deep hole in the ground.

One of them says to the other, "How deep do you think this hole is"?

"I don't know", says the other, "Let's drop a rock down it and see".

They drop a couple of rocks in but don't hear them hit the bottom.

So they decide to drop something bigger.

They look around and find an old truck's rear axle.

Huffing and puffing, they lug it over to the hole and throw it in.

Just then, they hear this rustling sound coming from some nearby bushes. Looking up, they see this goat coming straight at them at breakneck speed. Stepping back from the hole, they watched in amazement as the goat dives down the hole.

All of a sudden, a farmer appears and asks them if they'd see a goat.

One of the boys tells the farmer of the fantastic event that had just happended.

The farmer replies, "That's strange, indeed. But I had my goat chained to an old truck axle".
 

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Discussion Starter #31
Re: Today's Humor. Brown Yellow Black

Three Labrador retrievers, one brown, one yellow and one black, were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they struck up a conversation. The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?"

The brown lab replied, "I'm a wetter. I wet on everything...the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I wet in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything."

The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the heck of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.

"Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said.

The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you at the vet's office?"

"I'm a humper," the black lab said "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."

The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?"

The black lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."
__________________
 

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I recently bought a sign for my stairwell:

 

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Discussion Starter #33 (Edited)
Why Men Like Guns More Than Women

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the Number One reason
Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....


#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun
 

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A farmer walks into the living room leading a sheep on a leash.

Upon seeing his wife he says, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache.

Wife says, you idiot, that is a sheep not a pig.

Farmer says, I wasn't talking to you.
 

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Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.
They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her one word: comfortable."
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull."
 

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Re: Why Men Like Guns More Than Women

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the Number One reason
Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....


#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun
Doesn't #10 work for women also?
 

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No I meant this..... I see the LG treatmeant didnt last.....
 

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